Warning: The following story is truly nerdy and lives up to the NerdBoys.com name…
Last week I watched the Star Wars documentary The People vs George Lucas. Essentially, it’s about the disillusionment that fans of the original Stars Wars trilogy felt when they watched the prequel Star Wars trilogy.
As I listened to the angry comments of the fans in the documentary, I found myself saying “That’s exactly how I feel too!”.
Watching the documentary brought back vivid memories of May 19, 1999 — the opening day of Star Wars Episode I: The Phantom Menace.
For several months leading up to opening day, the software house where I was working at the time was abuzz about The Phantom Menace. Whenever a new trailer was released, the entire office stopped working while we all downloaded and watched the trailer with extreme excitement. We were all like giddy children waiting for Christmas.
On opening night, most of my colleagues and I left the office several hours early so that we could stand in line for the Phantom Menace. The atmosphere in the line up was absolutely electric. It was great fun to see hardcore fans dressed up like Princess Leia, Darth Vader, Boba Fett and Storm Troopers. I thought to myself “This is going to be the best movie ever! It’s going to be epic!”
Boy was I wrong.
Naturally, the entire theater exploded when the Lucasfilm logo and the giant Star Wars title appeared on the screen. But soon after that, the balloon burst as the absolutely ridiculous opening crawl scrolled up the screen:
Turmoil has engulfed the Galactic Republic. The taxation of trade routes to outlying star systems is in dispute.
Hoping to resolve the matter with a blockade of deadly battleships, the greedy Trade Federation has stopped all shipping to the small planet of Naboo.
While the congress of the Republic endlessly debates this alarming chain of events, the Supreme Chancellor has secretly dispatched two Jedi Knights, the guardians of peace and justice in the galaxy, to settle the conflict….
Excuse me? Taxation? Trade routes? The Congress of the Republic? BOR-ING!
Nevertheless, thinking back to my fond memories of watching Star Wars Episode IV: A New Hope as a young boy back in 1977, I chose to give George Lucas the benefit of the doubt. However, once Jar Jar Binks appeared for the first time, all was lost. Anyone born before 1980 that actually likes Jar Jar Binks needs to seek medical attention.
“Meesa thinking da bosses giving meesa stupid lines. Yoosa thinking meesa da worst Star Wars character ever?”
Yes, Jar Jar. The worst ever.
At the end of the movie, while my misguided Lucas-loving colleagues were raving about it, I was asking myself “Did it really suck that bad?”
It did.
Like many of the original trilogy fans, I quickly went back to see The Phantom Menace a second time to see if I missed something. I didn’t. It was even worse the second time. It was so bad, it made the epically-horrible Water World look like a Best Picture candidate.
Anyway, enough about The Phantom Menace. Let’s talk about another Star Wars annoyance that The People vs George Lucas jarred out of my long term memory: the Blaster vs the Lightsaber debate.
As we all remember, Obi-Wan Kenobi’s weapon of choice is the Lightsaber:
This is the weapon of a Jedi Knight. Not as clumsy or as random as a blaster. An elegant weapon for a more civilized age.
On the other hand, Han Solo prefers the Blaster:
Hokey religions and ancient weapons are no match for a good blaster at your side, kid.
I’m definitely with Han on this. Sure the lightsaber looks cool but would any warrior, Jedi or not, actually choose to use it over a blaster? I mean, come on, the lightsaber is a melee weapon whereas the blaster is a ranged weapon. In almost all combat situations, I think most warriors would choose a ranged weapon over a melee weapon. Ranged weapons exhibit several advantages over melee weapons, according to Wikipedia:
Ranged weapons give the attacker an advantage in combat since the target has less time to react and defend. It also provides a safer combat option since melee combat often becomes a life or death struggle where each member has a high probability of dying.
Seriously, did Luke Skywalker destroy the deathstar with a lightsaber? Of course not! He used an X-Wing-mounted blaster. And when Darth Vader tried to destroy Luke’s X-Wing, did he climb out of the cockpit of his Tie fighter and try to cut Luke’s ship with a lightsaber? No way, he used a blaster.
If the force can make you a master of the lightsaber, surely it could make you be a master of the blaster too.
For all the lightsaber fanboys and fangirls out there, here’s my idea for Star Wars Episode VII. If you truly must have the lightsaber in the story, I suggest a new weapon: a blaster with a lightsaber bayonet. The Jedi would have the best of both worlds and the audience wouldn’t have to cling to the ridiculous suspension of disbelief that the ancient (and rather lame) lightsaber is somehow superior to the blaster. Give me a break.
Let me ask the Star Wars fanboys and fangirls out there: if you are playing a first-person shooter game, would you choose to use a melee weapon or a ranged weapon? Ranged weapon, you say? Yeah, I thought so.
And by the way, Han Solo shot first.
